Joy Restored
“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.” –Psalm 51:12
Filled with excitement, a 24-year-old kimono-clad Alice stood in front of a Mississippi congregation as church leadership commissioned their first “home-grown” missionary. Oh, how I was in love with Jesus, and Japan, and the romantic idea of losing my life for the sake of the gospel. I was running on adrenaline and my eager desire to please both God and the leaders that I respected so much.
A misty-eyed pastor put his hand on my shoulder and said, “When you step on that plane, you are forfeiting all of your rights and your personal desires. You live your life for Jesus now. Go and win some souls.” That was probably the most unhelpful farewell blessing that a performance-driven, approval-seeking gal like myself needed, but I do know that this pastor loves me. He meant well at the time.
I was focused on the harvest. I was passionate. Disciplined. Every day that I denied the cries of my heart for rest, solitude, wholeness, and for beauty, the fading whimpers were easier to ignore. Like a star athlete, I pushed myself through the years of church-planting as a single missionary. I increased my race pace when I met Sean and the Novo (CRM) team. Then, it was only by God’s grace that through years of balancing ministry while raising our children in Japan, that my light somehow continued to flicker.
During our family’s transition from Japan to Cambodia, a discerning Novo staff pulled me aside at a conference. “Your spirit burns so bright,” she said. “Take care that you don’t burn out.” I nodded back, but I was secretly offended!
In Cambodia, our youngest son was diagnosed with autism. While home was beyond stressful, ministry doors were opening all around me. On my days to get out of the house, I threw myself into my work with Khmer youth and children. It was the only place where I could feel anything anymore.
I turned down invitations to hang out with friends. I declined the playful requests of my kids to games of Catan and movies. Watching Sean enjoy our kids so effortlessly made me feel ashamed. What kind of wife or mother was I if I didn’t even want to be with my family?
I realized I had hit rock bottom when, waiting in traffic, I found myself longing to trade places with the homeless man sweeping dust off the sidewalk.
With the help of Novo mentors, I found the courage to use the phrase “burn-out” to describe the pit I had fallen into. With loving supervision, I began a sabbatical season to peel back the layers of shame, reconnect with my heart, and to begin to draw from a Joy that I never imagined could be so real.
Reflection:
Meditate on Psalm 36:7–9: “How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light.”
Are there areas in your life where, in your zeal, you have pushed past your joy?
If you are sensing that you have worked your way past your reach or that your light is flickering, what are some specific ways you can reconnect with simple things that used to bring you joy?
Meditate again on Psalm 36:7–9. Ask God what he longs to bless you with today from his river of delights.
My spiritual director has helped lead me out of the pit into a space of greater interior freedom and joy. If you do not have a spiritual director, I highly recommend you find one.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Alice Collier and her husband Sean have recently relocated back to Alice’s hometown in Mississippi after living in Asia for the past 20 years, coaching young leaders in Japan and, more recently, developing sports and creative programs for marginalized children in Cambodia. Alice is a spiritual director and the co-leader of The Makers Creative Team in Novo’s Resource Hub. She loves looking for beauty in unexpected places and inviting others to enjoy it as well. Sean and Alice have three teenagers and a bearded dragon named Loki.
